


The Music Of Our Past

by EducationalBMC



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (Remy dies), Break Up, Cheating, Concert AU, He doesn't like animals, Internalized Homophobia, Janus is Roman Remus and Logans dad, Logan grows up with two cats and a dog, Loss of contact with family, Love story going badly, M/M, Minor Character Death, Musician! Logan Sanders, Musician! Mike Sanders, Musician! Nate Sanders, Musician! Virgil Sanders, Remy Patton Emile and Logan are childhood best friends, Roman & Remus are twins, Running away from homophobic parents, Single Father, Song fic, Unsympathetic Logan, Virgil's father is a cop, dad! Janus, divorce mention, family that disapprove of a partner, homophobic parents, teens getting drunk, teens smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27227146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EducationalBMC/pseuds/EducationalBMC
Summary: Logan Deciet and Virgil Sanders share a past. Through their individual concerts they remember what happened.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders / Microwave | Mike Sanders, procrastination | Nate Sanders / Microwave | Mike Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (things written in italics are what happens during the concert, the rest is memories from what has already happened.  
> Feel free to tell me if I missed to tag something.
> 
> This was also posted to my tumblr: TheLogicalRoman

_ “Welcome to the stage, Logan Deceit!” the crowd erupted into cheers, and the music began playing as Logan stepped out onto the stage. He just got onto the middle of the stage as he began singing to the first song on his tour, Castle on the Hill.  _

Logan grew up in a small village in the American countryside. He was used to tiny roads and neighbourhoods where everyone knew everybody else. 

He had a single father, Janus Deceit, who worked for the local hospital. He was a very busy person as he was one of three doctors in the town of roughly a thousand people. There were a few nurses of course, but they were still largely understaffed. On top of being a single father, he also had three kids.

Roman and Remus, Logan’s brothers who were two years older than him, weren't always the easiests to deal with. The two got in trouble at school several times, as they couldn’t focus on the school work and easily got bored by sitting still. The only classes they didn’t have problems with were art, drama and music. They certainly had taken most of the artistic traits of the family. 

Leaving Logan as the brainy kid. He wasn’t exactly a rowdy kid, which was the only reason some people doubted he could be related to the twins. Logan was the teacher's pet, the golden student who got straight A’s. 

He only had a few friends though, Remy, Emile and Patton. It was a good time being around them. As they grew older, they all got tired of being the “good kids”. That didn’t stop them from being seen as the goody two shoes kids. 

At fifteen they tried smoking for the first time, Remy and Logan were the only people to continue. It was also the first year they started drinking alcohol. Their parents never knew, Logan wasn’t sure his father would’ve even realized Logan got home drunk with the amount of work he was doing. 

They usually did it when they were alone. When they told their parents they were just going to sit by a campfire and chat, they really sat there by the fire getting drunk and smoking. They would giggle about stupid things, Logan would point out the constellations as they laid in the empty feild, drinking until they threw up.

At the time his one wish was for his life to never change. That he would always have his three best friends to laugh with. Now, years later, he still wished that his life hadn’t changed. But it had, and that is just simply how it was. 

He had done things he regretted deeply, but he couldn’t exactly do anything about that now. It wasn’t possible to change what had been, he could only make sure he didn’t do it again in the future, which he had promised himself he wouldn’t. 

_ “When we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill”  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for homophobic parents, cop parent, running away/getting disowned and some internalized homophobia. 
> 
> The song for this chapter is headphones by Conor Maynard. 
> 
> Also: Virgil does move in with an internet friend in this who he has never met before. I don't recommend this and advice y'all to be safe out there.

_“Hello everyone!” The crowd around Virgil cheered “My name is Virgil Sanders, if you for some reason didn’t know. Thank you all for coming to my show!” he grinned widely, reaching his hands out “I hope you are ready, because we’re gonna be here for a while. Honestly, I still can’t believe all of you decided to come and hang out with me of all people tonight, but I am honoured by it. And I won’t waste your time, I know you are here for the music, so the next song is a celebration of music. This is headphones”_

Virgil had grown up in Dallas Texas, as the single child of two. His mother worked as a secretary for a big company, and his father worked as a cop. It hadn’t exactly been easy, having a cop for a dad is only cool until you realize that you are gay and he is a homophobe with a job that oppresses the oppressed. And on top of that his father had a gun and a get out of jail free card. 

Already at about twelve he started to drag himself into a shell, he hid behind headphones, and drowned out everything with music as every person around him kept being homophobic. He told himself that it wasn’t right, that he was wrong for liking boys. It was obvious, his parents always spoke of the sinful homosexuals.

Virgil blocked them out with the music. He picked people who he could relate to, it was simply a coincidence that one of the artists he liked, Troye Sivan, happened to be gay. He never told his parents this, he never showed them his songs. It didn’t stop him from crying as he laid in his room listening to Heaven. 

His parents wouldn’t have approved of Troye Sivan, and therefore they wouldn’t have approved of him. Virgil channelled this disappointment into writing, at the start it was sad poems, that later turned into sad songs, that somehow turned into pop songs. He made quite a few songs that were very cheerful, especially later. 

Music was his salvation, his freedom. With his headphones he could at least pretend to be confident, when in reality it was simply the music that made him more comfortable in being who he was. 

It didn’t take his problems away though, and when his parents found his youtube channel when he was about 17, they didn’t like it. They didn’t like the way the songs made Virgil seem like he was a homosexual. Virgil took that as his cue to leave. He had managed to get quite the following by then, and by the time he left his house, he had already been offered a place to live by his fellow musician Logan Deceit. 

They were good friends online, and their followers obviously adored their friendship, and at that moment Virgil had nowhere else to go.

Virgil only stayed with them for a little while, until he turned 18 and could get a small apartment by himself. He was quite happy about not having to deal with Logan’s father, who quite obviously didn’t like him, or maybe he did. Virgil couldn’t read the man, and it unsettled him. 

_“You can’t stop me when I drop it low, don’t need nothing but my headphones”_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song is Recipe for Me by Thomas Sanders :P
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> (Warnings: Teens getting drunk. teens smoking. feeling left out from family.)

_“Thank you all for coming tonight” Logan took a sip from his water bottle “I am honoured that you all want to spend this wonderful Saturday evening with me of all people” he put down the bottle as the crowd cheered for him.  
_

_“This next song is about learning that there is no final form of ourselves. It’s about learning to accept that we are constantly learning and changing. And that only I can decide who I am” he continued, “This is Recipe for me”_

Logan being someone who had grown up knowing he was gay didn’t stop him from also being someone who got his first real crush at 17. 

At the time, he had just reached 5 million subscribers on youtube, and was steadily growing further. He had Remy to thank for a lot there, given that it was he who had edited for him until he knew how to do it himself. 

This was also about the time when Virgil moved in with him and his father for four months, Virgil only focusing on music for that whole time. He had already graduated, and Logan wished he had too just so he could hang out with Virgil everyday. Instead they hung out in the evenings and on the weekends. 

Some weekends Virgil would hang out with him and his friends, which involved following them to their usual campfire spot and getting drunk. 

Logan offered him a cigarette, but Virgil said no. So Remy and Logan still smoked alone while the others chatted about whatever. 

It was magical, Virgil fit so well with his friends and it made Logan’s heart flutter to the point where he knew that he had to stop it. They weren’t dating, and at the time he thought that Virgil probably wasn’t interested in him. 

So instead they were simply friends, while Emile told them all about the guy he had just started dating. He said he really had good hopes for this guy, and they were all happy for him. 

That was also the man that Emile would eventually marry and have three kids with, before they eventually got divorced, leaving Emile as a single father of three. 

It was also around the time that Patton got his first job at the pet shelter. He was very excited about that, but Logan had a hard time relating to his love for animals. 

Logan grew up with two cats and a dog, and none of them seemed to like him very much, and that feeling was mutual. It was weird as the animals adored the twins and his father. And in the end Logan was sure that the animals were more important parts of the family than he was. 

It was merely an observation. He didn’t blame his father, he worked hard to pay the bills, and, possibly more importantly, to keep his job. It was just that it left little to no time left for Logan, even though his father found time for walking the dog and petting the cats. 

The twins were different from Logan, a bit too different. Where they loved art and despite Logan was the one who became the musician in the end, he had always liked academic things more. His brothers’ went with their father to musicals and theaters, and yes Logan was invited but he had homework, decathlon, science club, and friends to spend time with. Logan adored school, not for the construction of measuring people’s intelligence in a way that only benefitted one type of intelligence, he didn’t like that part, but he enjoyed learning things. 

His teachers did more for him than his family did, giving him book tips and talking to him about the subjects he found interesting when he asked. 

He didn’t feel like a part of his own family, not because he didn’t think he was welcomed, but because they never thought to get to know him properly. He had gone to plenty of the twins school plays, but he had never seen any member of his family at his decathlon competition. He had watched Remus’ short films a billion times, but he had yet to hear a word about his music career from them. 

They simply didn’t seem interested enough, and Logan found himself not being able to actually care for that after a while. He craved for his family’s recognition, but after a while, when he was sitting around the campfire with his friends singing songs, and they suddenly began singing his songs, he understood that this was his family. 

Patton, Emile, Remy, and Virgil. They were a family, and Logan suddenly understood what that meant. 

_“I’m changing all the time"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is Volcano by The Vamps. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :)

_“Alright, the next song is about falling in love, it’s about a boy I met a long time ago, who I just adored a whole lot. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed falling hopelessly in love” he then said, before smiling “Also, for this song I need some help, sadly I am no rapper. So, Welcome to the stage, my best friend who happens to be out here tonight, Nate Slow!” the crowd cheered as Nate walked out on the stage, waving to the fans as he went._

_“Thank you Virge, it is good to be here” he spoke, Virgil grinned._

_“Are you ready for this?” he asked, Nate laughed_

_“I always am”_

_“Alright everyone, this is Volcano!”_

Virgil knew the moment he first met Logan that he might have a crush, or more accurately, that he had fallen helplessly in love with the nerd. At home it was usually just him and Logan, Mr. Deceit worked almost all the time. 

Virgil didn’t mind, finding the father to his crush rather intimidating. Even when he was well aware that he probably needed to get to know him sooner or later if the living arrangement continued for much longer.

It didn’t, not really. Only for a few months, some of the best months in Virgil’s life, but still. Virgil didn’t move far, he couldn’t keep himself away from Logan. The nerd was way too adorable, and honestly he kind of wished he could kiss him goodnight every night and maybe hold him through the cold and dark nights.

Yeah, Virgil had fallen into a deeper hole than he could crawl out of. He adored everything Logan did, he wanted to give Logan the whole world and more. Maybe that was the first place he went wrong. He wanted to give everything Logan gave him but ten double it. 

It was like Logan had put a spell on him, and now he was stuck in the arms of the magic. After about four months he decided to make an actual move. Logan had five months left before his graduation at that point.

Love really just was a mountain, until it just exploded into pure adoration. Virgil couldn’t put into words how much he loved Logan, and when Logan told him that he wanted the same thing. 

Well, that volcano erupted, and Virgil felt like he was on fire for weeks. He had already gotten close to Logan’s friends, and while he hadn’t met Logan’s brothers yet, he felt too unstoppable to think that something such could ever end his relationship with Logan. He knew Mr. Deceit didn’t like him, but Logan did, and that was all that mattered.

Logan was everything Virgil wished for, and he really hoped Logan saw him the same way.

_“Love's just a mountain, 'til it overflows Volcano”_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song is BITE by Troye Sivan
> 
> Warning for a mention of character death.

_ “Music is very particular, don’t you think?” Logan said “It’s a perfect way to channel all your feelings. I used to bond with an old friend over that” he smiled slightly, the pain of Remy’s passing still present, but the memories with him would never go bad. “But I’m not gonna bore you with that story, instead I’ll let you hear this next song” he walked back so he was standing right in the middle of the stage. “This is BITE”  _

  
  


Logan was in love with Virgil. He was sure of it. He had never felt for someone in the way he felt for Virgil. He was still scared though. Sure, Virgil had been around for a few months, but Logan had never been in a relationship before. 

Emile had given him advice, which really was just him listening to Logan vent and assuring him that it would be fine. 

However the relationship was straining Logan’s relationship with his father and his two brothers even further. His father despised Virgil, because despite not actually knowing him at all he had decided that he was ruining Logan’s life.

Maybe it was because of the various rumours surrounding Virgil’s past relationships. It wouldn’t surprise Logan if his father had done some research after figuring out that Virgil was in fact a singer, just as Logan.

It didn’t matter to Logan at first. He thought he could figure it out, that his father would come around eventually.

In reality, Logan noticed that his father’s words had gotten to him. He felt himself be nervous that Virgil would find him boring. That he would think he was a nerd, like everyone else. Logan knew it was a joke whenever his brothers said it, nerd, but it still hurt.

That was the big thing dividing the family. The theater geeks from the nerd. So when Virgil first called him that, it seemed to be a complete innocent line, Logan winced.

They had had a talk about it, and Virgil promised never to say that again, and maybe, maybe his father was wrong. Virgil cared, Logan was sure of that, he just seemed to believe in two contradicting arguments at the same time. Which didn’t make sense.

Virgil was there for him, and Logan swore to be there for him too. Virgil proved that he could be trusted, and he proved that he had put all trust in Logan. In hindsight, Logan wondered if that was where he had gone wrong. 

_ “So kiss me on the mouth and set me free, Please don’t Bite”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter is What Your Father Says by The Vamps. 
> 
> Warnings: brief mention of scars.

_“I don’t know if you’ve ever dated someone where their parents, in my case his father, hated you” Virgil said after Nate had left the stage. “I did once. It took some time to convince him to trust me, with his father whispering lies all the time. But I got there, and it was wonderful” he continued, taking a sip from his water bottle. “This is What Your Father Says”_

Virgil remembers sneaking into Logan’s house when his father was home. He had gotten very good at climbing up to the second floor window, it might’ve been a bit concerning really. Given the fact that it would’ve been very easy for them to just hang out at his apartment instead.

The problem was that they, well Logan, didn’t want Mr Deceit to know about them. So the two only really told Logan’s friends, because in the end they were the people who it concerned the most. 

Mr. Deceit had actually said to Virgil’s face that he didn’t like him at that point. Virgil could understand, in a way. Virgil was a rough looking type with purple hair and a concerning scar on the left side of his face that almost mirrored the father’s own. Virgil had a suspicion, or more a conspiracy theory actually, that he had once been the type of person that he wanted Logan to be safe from. 

He never asked, but he did what he could to prove to Logan that he was a good person, and not the person that his father tried to make him seem to be. 

“He said he hates your hair” Logan spoke, throwing blue hair dye at him as he entered through the window.

“So… we’re dying it blue?” Virgil had questioned, looking at the box.

“No, we’re dying mine” he huffed out, and Virgil raised his eyebrows, looking between the box and Logan.

“Sounds good to me” he then agreed “But we probably need to bleach it before we put this in” he then added, throwing the dye back. 

“Yes” Logan agreed, picking up the bag that stood on the floor and handing it to Virgil “Dad won’t be home until well after midnight, so we have time” 

Virgil wish that his heart didn’t beat a bit faster whenever he remembered that conversation, that he somehow could erase the shivers that went down his spine. That was the same night he first had told Logan he loved him, and Logan had said it back. 

Virgil and Mr Deceit may have had a complicated acquaintanceship, but Virgil and Logan’s relationship was so easy. They fit together, and Virgil just adored it. 

Which meant that when Logan knocked on his door, telling him that Mr. Deceit had said he didn’t like Virgil’s music, which basically meant he didn’t like Logan’s in Logan’s opinion as their songs were the same genre, Virgil let him stay over for a while. 

_“Forget what your father says!”_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's song is "They don't know you" by Little Mix. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

_ “Alright, let’s do a poll” Logan spoke, looking out into the crowd “Raise your hands, how  _ _ many of you have protective parents?” he asked, a bunch raised their hands “Okay good,  _ _ how many of you have been in relationships?” he continued, a few more hands went up “and  _ _ finally, how many have had a partner who at least one of your parents disliked?” only a few hands remained.  _

_ “My father disliked my first boyfriend” he then explained “This song is about that” he shared, “This is They Just Don’t Know you”  _

Virgil let Logan stay over for a few weeks, and maybe if his father had payed attention before, he wouldn’t have such a hard time finding him now. Logan had written one message to him saying he would stay over at his boyfriend’s place, and then he had ignored him.

At first it had only been him trying to reach him, he had sent messages telling him to be careful around Virgil, that he wouldn’t be good enough. Then Roman and Remus had gotten involved too. If his father didn’t know Virgil, well then Roman and Remus knew even less about him, since neither of them had even  _ met him _ . 

Logan thought that they might’ve been jealous really, since clearly Logan had the life that the both of them had always wanted, he had manage to score a job as a musician at only 17. He had a wonderful boyfriend who happened to be very handsome. His brothers already didn’t like Logan, so Logan had no trouble just ignoring them as they tried to talk him out of being with him.

Logan knew that if the three just knew how it felt to be loved by someone, if they put themselves in Logan’s shoes and just learned to understand that they don’t know Virgil and that the love that Logan and Virgil shared was real, they might’ve dropped it. But it was impossible to convince them of that, so Logan didn’t even try.

Virgil was clearly getting more and more anxious as Logan told him about this, saying that he should just go back to them, and that he wasn’t worth losing Logan’s family over. Virgil didn’t understand that  _ Virgil _ was his family. That Remy, Patton and Emile was his family. He might share his surname with the Deceit family, but that was the only thing. He could move out and never come back without it making a difference for their relationship.

Logan had gotten to know during the past year that the love from his father and brothers’ only reached so far, and he was tired of trying to please them when he had understood that it was simply impossible for him to do so. 

They treated Virgil like he was some sort of criminal, and for what? Because he had purple hair? Because he had run from home to survive? Logan was sick and tired of them, and Virgil was the only person who didn’t have parents who would try to send him back home after a while. 

After Logan’s graduation Logan and Virgil packed up their things and moved out to L.A. Remy was close to coming along, but ultimately decided to stay back and continue to work at the local coffee shop. Emile left for college alongside his boyfriend, and Patton moved to another town after getting offered a better job there.

It wasn’t the end of their friendship, they were family nothing would ever change that, but it was still weird to know that they wouldn’t see each other for a long while. 

But at the very least, Logan wouldn’t have to deal with his biological family.

_ “They just don't know you, like I do” _


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil remembers his relationship, while wondering if there had been a way to save it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Character death. Referenced/implied break up. 
> 
> Song of the chapter is So Will I by Ben Platt.

_“This next song is a promise to all of you that you will never be alone. It’s about caring for someone, and promising that everything will be okay in the end” Virgil shared “I hope you enjoy, this is So Will I”_

Virgil’s first few weeks in L.A. was very intense. Both he and Logan manage to score record deals for the same company, and then Virgil was recording his first album, while Logan was writing his. 

One of the songs Virgil had written had rap he simply couldn’t do, he had never learned how to rap very well, so they called in another rather new guy. His name was Nathaniel Slow, or just Nate Slow as all his albums called him.

For someone who’s name was literally slow, and who enjoyed laying around doing nothing for hours, Nate was very good at rapping at a high pace. 

The two of them got along very nicely, and soon they were best friends. Which lead to double dates with their partners, Logan and Mike managed to get along very nicely as well, and everything seemed as if it was going perfectly.

Virgil still worried though, and he remembers that Logan used to comfort him through the worst times. “I will always be here” he had promised him, and yeah, Virgil knew that was a lie now, but at the time it felt real and it always comforted him.

Virgil still missed him, even though he wished to do nothing less. It was complicated, feelings were complicated. Yet with Logan it had seemed so simple. Logan just knew what to say and when, he knew when Virgil needed a hand to hold or a hug to hide him from the world. He knew when he needed to be left alone too. 

It wasn’t simple to tell exactly the day that changed, when their love started to crumble. Virgil still wondered to this day, if he hadn’t gone on the tour right after Remy Sleep passed away, would Logan maybe still love him? If he hadn’t waited with calling Logan out when he noticed something was wrong, would their love still be there? 

Remy passed on a Friday, and Virgil had to leave the next day at 1PM. He was gone for 5 months and if he hadn’t left, maybe, just maybe, their relationship had stayed intact. 

_"I know you'll always be there And so will I"_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Character Death, Funeral, afterlife mention, Cheating, (Guilt bc cheating), (sort of trying to blame others for cheating while also knowing it isn’t anyone else’s fault).
> 
> Song of the chapter Hey Angel.

_"I must confess" Logan said "I am not a religious person" the crowd was rather silent "That might not come as a surprise to any of you actually, I have made it known for a long time that I am not" the crowd gave a noise of confirmation._

_"It was a time, about two years ago, when a friend of mine tragically died, that I wrote this song. It’s not really about him, or really anyone in particular. I hope you enjoy. This is Hey Angel"_

Remy's death had taken a toll on Logan. He left to go home the same moment Virgil left for his tour. Logan was too shaken up to actually say much about it. Or really anything to Virgil at all. 

Logan was bad at sharing his emotions, and while he wanted to talk to Virgil about it he also didn't want to bring Virgil's happiness down right before the tour, so he held it in. Saying he was fine. 

He tried to repress it all even when he was back home, maybe people expected him to fall apart, but he refused. Until the funeral was over and he was sitting with Emile and Patton around the fire, having their own memorial for their best friend. 

He broke down, they all did. He tried to hide it, but his friends knew him too well. They had told each other all their favourite memories with Remy, and at the end of the night they were staring up at the sky. 

People had said their whole life that people go to heaven when they die. It was only natural to stare at the stars and try to imagine Remy being there. Logan didn't really believe that, he didn't believe in life after death. Or maybe he did. He hadn’t thought much about it before Remy died.

If Virgil had been there, maybe the next thing wouldn't have happened. If Remy had been alive, maybe he would’ve told Logan not to do it. If Nate had been home maybe he wouldn't have. He couldn’t actually blame any of the three, not really. The truth was that no matter what, he probably would’ve done the same thing at some point. 

He knew that Mike Wave and him probably shouldn't have met in their lives, and that he slowly regretted everything leading up to that point. They both promised back then that Virgil and Nate could never know. It was an evil promise, but at the time he had seen it as mercy, as he came back to Mike over and over again. 

It didn't stop him from feeling guilty whenever it happened. Which slowly began to be every day during the months their boyfriends were gone. He didn’t think he loved Mike, he knew he loved Virgil. He didn’t know if he loved any of them or both.

In the end he just knew that Remy would've been disappointed in him, and that he never wanted anyone to know. He knew that the only person to blame was himself, and in the end he wished it had never happened, but it did. He loved it, but he hated it. 

_"Do you wish you could be more like me? Hey Angel"_


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for cheating

_"Well, this is my middle of the show song. I hope you haven't fallen asleep yet" the crowd laughed as Virgil joked with them "This is Fly Away, I hope you dance along"_

Touring had always been one of Virgil’s favourite things, ever since his very first tour. Travelling the world and seeing people swept up in pride flags of all kinds while singing and dancing along to music he had written. 

The concerts also made his brain shut up for a while, and that was probably the best thing that had happened that summer. 

Virgil had been all over the world, from Sydney to Tokyo to London to New York. Usually he had time to talk with Logan between the concerts, and Logan would tell him interesting facts about every place he visited. Maybe the lack of these facts in Asia, Africa and Australia should’ve been the first warning signs, but Virgil took it as Logan simply not knowing all that much, or that he might be tired.

Then, when Virgil was in London which he knew was one of Logan’s absolute favourite places, Logan was just as quiet on the fact fronts, as well as seemingly being distracted, continuously looking off screen, like there was someone there.

“What’s up L?” he had asked, and Logan had simply shrugged

“Nothing my dear, I think I simply saw a spider. Please continue” he had said, and it hurt because Virgil was sure that was the longest thing Logan had said to him for months. He listened, for sure, Virgil was good at listening, but it felt like Logan was slipping through his fingers.

Virgil knew that he was losing his boyfriend, and he was not exactly happy about it. If Logan wanted to leave him, then sure, Virgil would be fine with that. Well, he would be crushed and probably cry for a few years, but if he didn’t make Logan happy anymore, then he hoped Logan would spare him and just dump him.

Instead, when he called Logan from Rotterdam, he saw Mike Wave walk away in the background, looking like he tried to not be seen by the computer camera, wearing a hoodie Virgil knew was Logan’s, specifically it was the hoodie Virgil had gotten Logan last christmas.

Virgil wanted to point it out, wanted to call Logan out, but he didn’t want to seem like a jealous boyfriend. Maybe Mike had just been there for a sleepover, and got a bit cold. It wasn’t that weird to borrow your friends’ clothes. 

So Virgil waited for Logan to mention something about the sleepover, but only got worried glances over the screen, the way he knew the door to the room was, and Virgil couldn’t stop his mind from going directly to Mike. Sometimes he wondered if Mike was there, and if the two made fun of Virgil for not noticing that Logan no longer loved him. 

Virgil knew that Logan would never do that and that Logan loved him, but it started getting less and less possible to explain away, and Virgil was happy to throw himself into the next concert and just pretend that everything was okay.

_“I wanna take my heart to the end of the world And fly away, fly away tonight”_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for cheating, and guilt about cheating
> 
> Song of the chapter is Summer Love by One Direction

_“One time, I fell in love with a guy over the summer” Logan spoke as the crowd fell silent, “I didn’t think I loved him at the time, I knew I liked him a lot, but it wasn’t until after he left the last time that I realized it really was love” he continued “I don’t talk much about my own feelings, but I can sing about them, so here is Summer Love. I do hope you enjoy it”_

Logan found that his relationship with Mike evolved a bit quicker than he might’ve imagined. It was rather exciting really. The two of them had been dating their partners for a long time, but with each other everything was new, and they got to explore everything for the first time.

In Logan’s head it was simply an arrangement, sure he thought Mike was great, but he had Virgil and he adored Virgil.

Logan found himself conflicted, he knew he should tell Virgil, he knew he should end things with Mike, he knew he shouldn’t have started anything with Mike.

But at the same time, he had already started things with Mike, and they were both in an understanding that it would end as soon as their boyfriends came back home. Logan felt awful for the whole time.

Yet, at the end of the summer, when Mike packed up his things, Logan found himself overwhelmed with emotions he liked to pretend he didn’t have. Mike looked back at him one last time, pressing a kiss to his lips, and then he disappeared through the door. 

Logan wished they could have some more time, but Virgil would come home the next day, and Nate came home that night. It was the end of their relationship, now all they could be were friends, Logan had thought. 

Logan didn’t want the last goodbye, he wanted a million hellos instead. Which is about the time when he realized, right as the door closed, that he loved Mike. It wasn’t no strings attached, it wasn’t just two lone souls for a summer, it was a summer love, and one that Logan couldn’t shake off.

Logan realized that Virgil would call soon, as he would border his plane soon, so he dried the tears, and hoped he didn’t look too much like he had been crying, he did have a reputation after all. 

Virgil didn’t notice, he seemed too worried, which made sense since Virgil’s anxiety always heightened before long flights. Their call was shorter than any calls before, Logan was feeling too conflicted to be of much help to Virgil. He had too many thoughts going through his head, and every time he opened his mouth he was afraid he would tell Virgil what had happened.

When Virgil finally got home, Logan held him closely. He had noticed how Virgil’s posture had been off, and the hug had been awkward, for the first time ever. Even the first time they had met hadn’t been that awkward. 

_“Feels like snow in September, But I always will remember, You were my summer love”_


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter is I Know What You Did Last Summer by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello.

_“Alright everyone, I’m gonna bring Nate back out here” he called, and Nate walked back out on the stage while Virgil continued “This next song is a bit weird, I must confess, but sometimes figuring out feelings can be confusing”_

_“A while ago I was cheated on, I won’t tell you when or by who, but I can tell you that it sucked, because I loved him so much, and he betrayed me. So I wrote this song sometime after that, this is I Know What You Did Last Summer”_

When Virgil got home, he found that his relationship with Logan had become awkward. Neither of them volunteered what they knew, but both knew. Logan didn’t know that Virgil knew, but Virgil knew that Logan knew. Virgil hated it. He hated that when he saw Logan’s lips twitch in amusement as he read something on his phone, he still felt the same love even though Logan’s happiness wasn’t because of him anymore.

Virgil started to hang out with Nate a lot more, trying to keep him away from Mike as well as he tried to figure out if Nate had any clue or if he should tell him. No, Virgil knew that he had to talk to Logan first, just to make sure he actually was right, but he didn’t want to do that.

The conversation still happened, after about a month of awkwardness, well really it had been longer, but a month of real life awkwardness instead of over the phone awkwardness, Virgil supposed.

It was Logan who brought it up, the two had been eating dinner together, and Virgil had noticed how Logan had stopped eating, staring at the food. Then he met Virgil’s gaze.

“I’m sorry” he said, and Virgil felt his heart get caught in his throat “I cheated on you” he then confessed, swallowing loudly. Virgil flinched, both because how much that confession hurt even if he knew it, and because he knew the signs of Logan holding back his tears, and his direct response to that had always been to comfort him, but he couldn’t do that now. 

“I know,” he said sadly, Logan looked very surprised, “You weren’t subtle. I saw Mike practically naked when I talked to you, I’ve noticed you acted weird. I just, waited for the confession” 

“oh” 

Maybe it had been easier if there had been a big fight, but it wasn’t. Logan packed his stuff and left the next day, and for the first time in years Virgil was alone. He felt like shit, the confession hurt him more than he had expected. He had known before, of course he had, but he had still hoped that Logan hadn’t done it, that he had misunderstood the signs. 

He called Nate, he had to talk to someone. He didn’t want to tell him, he was debating it for so long as he waited for the call to go through. It took him three minutes of talking before he finally got the words out. 

“Logan cheated on me” he had said, Nate hadn’t been prepared for it.

“Do you know who the other person was?” he had asked softly, after offering to come over in ten minutes. Virgil debated on telling him, would it really be nice to tell him? Or would it just ruin everything for them both.

“Mike” he then said, and he wished he could see Nate’s reaction. Wished he could comfort him, or do something else other than bring bad news. 

_“I know what you did last summer. Tell me where you've been”_


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter is Flicker by Niall Horan.

_“Despite me seeming like someone who got everything together” Logan said, fixing his tie. “I once messed up really bad, and I almost lost everything. I felt very alone, and I really wanted everything to go back to normal, which it of course didn’t, because that is not how life works” Logan sat down on the chair in the middle of the stage. “I hope you enjoy this song, which was written around that period of time” he then shared “It’s called Flicker”_

_Lo_ gan moved to an apartment in Brooklyn, hoping that he could stay out of Virgil’s way. He knew that he couldn’t call Emile or Patton, and he definitely couldn’t call his father or his brothers, so for the first time in his life he was truly and utterly alone. Especially since Mike wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. 

He went onto twitter, noticing that Virgil hadn’t been online since he had left, neither had Logan. The fans were obviously worrying, while some were trying to soothe the others’ worries by saying Virgil and he had gone on some romantic trip. Logan wished that was true, but instead he wrote a tweet.

“Virgil Sanders and I have recently broken up due to personal reasons. I wish for you to respect our privacy at this time.

Sincerely, Logan Deceit” 

Virgil only took a few hours before retweeting it. No comment, which Logan didn’t know if he found disappointing or good. He really hoped Virgil wouldn’t tell the world he had cheated, but if he did Logan wouldn’t blame him. How could he? Logan knew what he did was wrong. 

Logan wondered if he should call his dad, but ultimately he decided against it. He hadn’t had any contact with any of his family for so long, and at this point going back would probably only hurt all four of them.

Instead Logan stayed in New York, and tried to make new friends while trying to figure out if he should tell Emile and Patton what had happened. He had never been very good at making new friends, but he found a friend in a guy called Toby, who worked as a barber close to Logan’s place.

Slowly but surely, Logan was hoping that he could get past what had happened. That it could be a shameful part of his past that he never had to revisit. 

He got the news that Mike had started dating someone new, a british guy that Logan had never heard of before, and felt his heart break all over again. He never got a reply from Mike, not a single text. Instead he noticed that Mike had unfollowed him on all social media. 

They all had. Virgil, Nate and Mike. Virgil had blocked him, which he supposed was fair, still it made him feel awful. Their relationship had been beautiful. Why did Logan have to go and ruin it? 

_“Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me That I wanna keep Please don't leave”_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the Chapter is Together by Ryan O'Shaughnessy. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy the angst :)

_ “This song should really be called ‘break up sucks’ but instead I called it ‘Together’ which I suppose is the better title” Virgil said as the crowd laughed “We are nearing the end of the night. I do hope you’ve had fun, and that you will enjoy this song”  _

Virgil had been left to clean out their apartment by himself. Logan had brought his own stuff, at least most of it. It was quickly proven that he had forgotten some things, as Virgil found his unicorn onesie in their wardrobe. Virgil sighed deeply, throwing it in the “burn” pile. He wasn’t sure if he actually would burn it or not, he probably would just take it to some secondhand shop or something.

Two minutes later, as he was cleaning out his underpants drawer, he noticed the ring box he had hidden there months ago. He wanted to laugh, and probably cry, and definitely scream. Inside was a ring with a dark blue and purple stone, their colours, and engraved was their names and the date they started dating. 

Virgil really had thought they would be together forever, but Logan had ruined that surprise. He guessed it was good that it happened before they had gotten married. Virgil wanted to do everything to keep Logan, but he also never wanted to see the man again. 

He sat down at the bed, holding onto the ring as he started to cry. It felt pathetic, he shouldn’t be the one crying. Logan should be the one to do that, he should be the sorry one, not Virgil. Virgil had done nothing more than love Logan, he had thought they had been soulmates. Logan obviously hadn’t thought of him quite as highly. 

All those years ago, when they first had met, Logan had welcomed him with open arms, he had promised him a home until he could find one by himself. Virgil had fallen hard, and Logan had somehow loved him back.

Or did he ever love him? Was all of it just a lie? Virgil couldn’t come up with a reason as to why Logan would’ve lied to him, but if he had truly loved Virgil he wouldn’t have done this. You don’t cheat on someone you love, you just don’t. 

At the very least Virgil and Nate could move in together on the other side of L.A. now. Both single, and both heartbroken. But at least they had gotten new inspiration for their music. Broken hearts really made the writing part easy.

That was the only good thing that came out of all of that. Music. The fans seemed to appreciate it as well, which also was good. Virgil had no idea if they knew or not, he supposed that he had made quite a few songs about being cheated on, and so had Nate. He hoped that they did, yet he hoped that they would never know. 

_ “I thought we'd be together 'til we die I'll forever wonder why” _


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song of the chapter is Lies by Will Jay

_“According to Pamela Meyer, author of "Liespotting”, on any given day, you may be lied to between ten to two hundred times.” Logan said, the crowd seemed a bit confused “Very few people are always honest one hundred percent of the time.” he added “And it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I too have lied several times in my life” he added “I am sure every single one of you in here have also lied at some point of your life. So therefore it is very fitting that the next song is called Lies” he explained as the music started_

Logan had hated lying ever since he was born. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that most people just took it for granted that he would be a liar, because of his surname, or because his father was a known liar.

It didn’t really matter why, but it mattered that he did. Because when Patton and Emile came to visit him in New York, the topic of his recent breakup came up, and they had asked him why. Logan didn’t want to lie to them, it felt shitty to do so. Yet the lie of omission was so easy. It wasn’t really a lie, he tried to convince himself despite knowing that it technically was, it was simply withholding a part of the truth, which didn’t make him feel better.

He knew too much about lying and liars, he realized, yet he also realized that despite trying his hardest to be a completely honest person, just to get as far away from his father as possible, he had failed. It was impossible not to, he had reminded himself, his emotions made sure that he would rather tell a lie than hurt people. Logan wanted to uninstall every emotion he had ever had.

It didn’t work like that, never had. If it had, then Logan wouldn’t have had any emotions in his life. It sucked, so Logan found a therapist, and tried to talk through his guilt. It did help somewhat, but he still felt guilty about everything.

He realized that no matter what he did, he would never be able to forget what he had done, and he would never stop lying about it. Not if he wanted to keep his job, and keep his friends. Especially after Patton admitted that someone had cheated on him, and Logan decided that it was better if they never knew, if he wanted to keep them in his life.

Virgil never called him out openly, he wrote several songs about being cheated on, and maybe the fans could put 1+1 together and realize what had happened, it probably wouldn’t have been that hard. Logan still hoped they never would. 

Logan tried to convince himself that he was a good person, but it didn’t work. He didn’t believe he was, how could he? He had hurt everyone he had loved, he had hurt Virgil. He only wished that he could keep his job, that his reputation wouldn’t get hurt. That couldn’t be the words from a good person.

_“The last thing I want is for you to think I'm a liar That's why I tell Lie-lie-lie-lie-lie-lie-lies”_


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter is New by Ben Platt!

_“Okay” Virgil said walking slightly closer to the crowd, so he was standing at the very front of the stage “This is the last break up song of the night” he then added “But it’s really more of a “I’m so over you” kind of song. It is also the very last song of the night, so I hope you will enjoy it, and that you have enjoyed the show. This is New”_

Virgil realized that despite living in L.A. for years he hadn’t really properly explored the city that much. He had known the area around his and Logan’s apartment, but not much more. After his move he had started to sit outside in the park a bit from his new apartment while writing, or just to eat lunch, or people watch. 

It was very interesting really, the first few weeks he had seen couples and just felt terrible about it, but then he started to feel neutral to it. Every single person in the park was their own person with their own story, and when Virgil thought about that he both felt a bit like he would get an existential crisis, and a whole lot better about everything. He was just one person, and he only had one story. 

One day he had taken Nate with him to the pier. His plan was to throw the ring into the sea, but Nate stopped him, it would be better to sell it, he had said. So Virgil did just that, he went to a jewellery store, and traded it for a necklace that just said “NEW”.

That was what it was, when it all came down to it. It was a new start, and Virgil felt good at that moment. He walked with a bounce in his step on his way home. He wished Logan would be able to see him like that, happy and free. 

He could still remember that time in his life when everything had been about Logan. When he had wanted to give him the world every time he smiled. It felt like ancient history, Virgil couldn’t even imagine feeling like that now. He knew for sure that he was taking a few steps back from the dating scene, maybe he would never go back to it again. He didn’t know.

In the end he just hoped that whatever happened next he would never have to give up this feeling he got that moment in the store. That he could always be this free, this happy. He knew that it was unrealistic, there would always be another day where his worries would take over, but right now…

_“I've never felt so brand new”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the story!   
> Feel free to comment :)


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